For some reason, I can't seem to express my feelings well, unlike before. It's as if something is blocking it's way out. Like someone had placed a cork over it.
I still can't get that Dalai Lama test that our Theology teacher made us take... Could it be true? That's not possible... I think of that person as a friend...
Or do I?
Ah hell. I don't like this.
25 September 2010
24 September 2010
Good mornng, world and all its inhabitants.
Ah yes. Harry Potter audio books put me in a good mood today. I feel slightly relaxed and calm today...
(this title was meant to be blank, for reasons unknown)
I cry a lot. That's what I've noticed. When I see someone cry, even though I'm not really sure why they are crying, the tears appear and they just come out. Like a waterfall that was once stopped.
But even though these tears fall, I am strong. I still fight back. I may look weak and cowardly, even though sometimes I am. But I will not back down. These tears are just the feelings held back by the looks of the society.
Whatever you see when you look at me, and whatever you hear when I speak, is merely a glimpse of what is inside.
But even though these tears fall, I am strong. I still fight back. I may look weak and cowardly, even though sometimes I am. But I will not back down. These tears are just the feelings held back by the looks of the society.
Whatever you see when you look at me, and whatever you hear when I speak, is merely a glimpse of what is inside.
Why?
I've been asking this questions lots of times recently. Unanswered questions bother my mind which is full as it is and its giving me a really bad headache.
Why am I the only one who actually is able to forgive him? Why can't the others see the point of what he has done? Why do I feel like I'm being negligent about this certain situation happening between me and my friends? Why do I actually feel pissed at myself?
These are the question currently in my mind right now. There are millions of other questions stuck in this useless brain of mine but are being covered by these big questions. I think the reason why my head hurts is because I've met the maximum capacity of questions that my brain can handle.
I'm going to rant here, and these are some of the things that I've only shared with one person. I don't find the need to say this out loud, mainly because I feel that it's not really appropriate.
Me and my friends got into this fight. Someone started to ignore us, posted this in facebook and then ignored us to the point that it was actually annoying. It turns out that we were being tested. To see if we were truly friends. I have to thank him for that though. Because of what we did, we actually got closer again. He told me this first that he was hurt. Why wasn't anyone bothering to look for him during lunch time? Why wasn't anyone caring that he actually got a 69 as a grade in a test? And that rude comment one of my friends left for everyone to see, because she doesn't know how to send a private message, was the one that made the bomb explode inside him. He never really opened up to us that much. Only very rarely. He was that type of person who just listens to you, tries to helps you. And when you're happy, he's happy. But that happiness is bound to be only temporary.
Now he tells sorry and explains why he did those things. Now, the others can't forgive him. They can, but they won't. They don't want to. They've already kicked him out, as they said. Chains of Empire is the name of their new group. It's basically still the same people, just minus him. I have to admit, I'm fine with all of this.
You know the saying "forgive and forget"? Why can't they just forgive him for a start? Whatever happens, we're all still friends. Just cause they've forgiven him, doesn't exactly mean that they've forgotten.
But why am i the only one who has forgiven him. They don't even communicate with each other anymore! And it's only been a week. Maybe I'm just over reacting. Give it a little more time, and the wound will heal.
But how long will it take to make that wound turn into a scab? And how long will that scab just disappear forever. To actually forget that you've had that kind of pain before.
Sigh... Life has been stressful... when hasn't it been?
Oh yeah... When I haven't stepped into senior year.
Why am I the only one who actually is able to forgive him? Why can't the others see the point of what he has done? Why do I feel like I'm being negligent about this certain situation happening between me and my friends? Why do I actually feel pissed at myself?
These are the question currently in my mind right now. There are millions of other questions stuck in this useless brain of mine but are being covered by these big questions. I think the reason why my head hurts is because I've met the maximum capacity of questions that my brain can handle.
I'm going to rant here, and these are some of the things that I've only shared with one person. I don't find the need to say this out loud, mainly because I feel that it's not really appropriate.
Me and my friends got into this fight. Someone started to ignore us, posted this in facebook and then ignored us to the point that it was actually annoying. It turns out that we were being tested. To see if we were truly friends. I have to thank him for that though. Because of what we did, we actually got closer again. He told me this first that he was hurt. Why wasn't anyone bothering to look for him during lunch time? Why wasn't anyone caring that he actually got a 69 as a grade in a test? And that rude comment one of my friends left for everyone to see, because she doesn't know how to send a private message, was the one that made the bomb explode inside him. He never really opened up to us that much. Only very rarely. He was that type of person who just listens to you, tries to helps you. And when you're happy, he's happy. But that happiness is bound to be only temporary.
Now he tells sorry and explains why he did those things. Now, the others can't forgive him. They can, but they won't. They don't want to. They've already kicked him out, as they said. Chains of Empire is the name of their new group. It's basically still the same people, just minus him. I have to admit, I'm fine with all of this.
You know the saying "forgive and forget"? Why can't they just forgive him for a start? Whatever happens, we're all still friends. Just cause they've forgiven him, doesn't exactly mean that they've forgotten.
But why am i the only one who has forgiven him. They don't even communicate with each other anymore! And it's only been a week. Maybe I'm just over reacting. Give it a little more time, and the wound will heal.
But how long will it take to make that wound turn into a scab? And how long will that scab just disappear forever. To actually forget that you've had that kind of pain before.
Sigh... Life has been stressful... when hasn't it been?
Oh yeah... When I haven't stepped into senior year.
20 September 2010
...
Ima made no... Arigato.
soshite... gomen.
Those are a few of the words in my mind right now. Why didn't I ever notice that what he was doing was childish at all? Turns out I'm an idiot to the end.
Thank you for everything. And, i'm sorry.
That's what the lines on the very top of this entry says.
Your my friend, and I love you. :) Who doesn't? Everyone loves your mature yet childish personality.
I'm sorry i didn't realize it earlier.
I'll raise a white flag if I had one.
Arigato, watashi no taisetsu no tomodachi.
jyane.
soshite... gomen.
Those are a few of the words in my mind right now. Why didn't I ever notice that what he was doing was childish at all? Turns out I'm an idiot to the end.
Thank you for everything. And, i'm sorry.
That's what the lines on the very top of this entry says.
Your my friend, and I love you. :) Who doesn't? Everyone loves your mature yet childish personality.
I'm sorry i didn't realize it earlier.
I'll raise a white flag if I had one.
Arigato, watashi no taisetsu no tomodachi.
jyane.
I'm done. White Flag
I'm so stupid.
Why didn't I realize it last night?
I won't question it anymore. And I don't care that my eyes are swollen.
I just wanted to say,
Thanks.
Why didn't I realize it last night?
I won't question it anymore. And I don't care that my eyes are swollen.
I just wanted to say,
Thanks.
Nande?!?!
Sigh... that means why in japanese.
Somehow, the only way I can express myself is by speaking in japanese. Ugh damn it. I haven't been able to think straight since this morning. It's really been pissing me off. I want to throw a metal table on someone's face right now. At least let this anger out a little.
Crying doesn't work. I've tried earlier today. The passive-aggressive way of letting it out failed as well. I got scolded by my father for being to grouchy and disrespectful to him. I just used PMS as an excuse.
I don't want things to end this way.
Even if a person leaves and announces it to the group, does that mean that they're not friends anymore? Doesn't it just mean that you're not going to hang out with them, but you're still friends?
See, I'm not even sure if my grammar is wrong!
Mou, hontoni mukatsuku.
He should've at least explained why he was doing this, ignoring us and all. He was the one who said I don't want things to end this way. Why is he acting like this now? What could we have possibly done wrong? Huh? I don't recall what happened. Everything was fine. We were having fun, chatting and laughing with his friends since I wanted to at least stay with them for a while since it was fun. Then come Monday lunch time, boom. He doesn't even say a word. He just ignores you.
Ah fuck. this is really pissing me off. I had the sudden want (maybe need) to hit his head repeatedly on the wall. Maybe I should have done it. maybe that would've knock some sense and maturity into that stupidity that seems to have crawled into his brain.
Somehow, the only way I can express myself is by speaking in japanese. Ugh damn it. I haven't been able to think straight since this morning. It's really been pissing me off. I want to throw a metal table on someone's face right now. At least let this anger out a little.
Crying doesn't work. I've tried earlier today. The passive-aggressive way of letting it out failed as well. I got scolded by my father for being to grouchy and disrespectful to him. I just used PMS as an excuse.
I don't want things to end this way.
Even if a person leaves and announces it to the group, does that mean that they're not friends anymore? Doesn't it just mean that you're not going to hang out with them, but you're still friends?
See, I'm not even sure if my grammar is wrong!
Mou, hontoni mukatsuku.
He should've at least explained why he was doing this, ignoring us and all. He was the one who said I don't want things to end this way. Why is he acting like this now? What could we have possibly done wrong? Huh? I don't recall what happened. Everything was fine. We were having fun, chatting and laughing with his friends since I wanted to at least stay with them for a while since it was fun. Then come Monday lunch time, boom. He doesn't even say a word. He just ignores you.
Ah fuck. this is really pissing me off. I had the sudden want (maybe need) to hit his head repeatedly on the wall. Maybe I should have done it. maybe that would've knock some sense and maturity into that stupidity that seems to have crawled into his brain.
14 September 2010
Claustophobia
Every lunch time, I suddenly feel claustrophobic. Why? Because every lunch time at school, we join to round tables. Do you think that's enough for roughly 10 people? Some can't even place their food on the table! it's not just during lunch time. During outings as well. We rarely go out anymore. I'm not used to having more than the original number. Sure it was fine at first, but there are some circumstances when you've had just about enough of it.
I have typed a lot of these before, but never had the actual courage to post them in the internet, especially since the people who can read this are my friends. But for now I will swallow those feelings that are stopping me. I need to get this out of my system.
As it turns out, I am not the only who feels "out of place" during lunch time. One person keeps on inviting others, making the group bigger. Maybe she just doesn't see that the bond that holds our group together is slowly loosening. And I don't have the guts as well to act like everything's is fine. Two original members of our small group has left, and I'm the next one to do so as well. it doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore. No. I just want to meet more people. Make my world bigger for a change. I've been used to staying in one corner all my life, and I think it's finally time for me to stand up.
It may be a bad idea, but I think I'm doing the right thing. I just hope that we can all hang out again, just talk and do other whatnot somewhere... that is, before I leave.
I have typed a lot of these before, but never had the actual courage to post them in the internet, especially since the people who can read this are my friends. But for now I will swallow those feelings that are stopping me. I need to get this out of my system.
As it turns out, I am not the only who feels "out of place" during lunch time. One person keeps on inviting others, making the group bigger. Maybe she just doesn't see that the bond that holds our group together is slowly loosening. And I don't have the guts as well to act like everything's is fine. Two original members of our small group has left, and I'm the next one to do so as well. it doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore. No. I just want to meet more people. Make my world bigger for a change. I've been used to staying in one corner all my life, and I think it's finally time for me to stand up.
It may be a bad idea, but I think I'm doing the right thing. I just hope that we can all hang out again, just talk and do other whatnot somewhere... that is, before I leave.
10 September 2010
I wonder why...
... why do I only type the annoying moments in my awfully annoying, pointless, and boring life? Why not the good ones?
Meh. Not like anything good happens to me anyway.
Meh. Not like anything good happens to me anyway.
09 September 2010
...
I have absolutely no idea on what I really want to type here. Things inside me are going haywire as of the moment. My eyes are swollen, I get this funny tingle on my back that won't go away.. I hate it when I cry.
Sigh. And you know what's weird? I have absolutely no idea on what I am crying about. Maybe because of these confusing things inside my head, or that if all things go well, in a month or so we'll be leaving for Canada. I'm not quite sure. It's like these things in my head just mixed into one big blob and they're trying to find a way out through my tear ducts.
Sigh. And I'm not allowed to vent these feelings into anything else. I'm not the type to randomly get angry at people. I'm also not the type to actually cry in front of others especially if its my problem (i tend to cry when I see someone crying. don't know why really...) I also don't cry when I'm under pressure, so here. Blogging, and crying silently is what these emotions do to me. Though I blog rarely. And I haven't cried in a while until tonight. And I feel the need to be happy every single day so that no one will ask what's wrong (not that anyone cares).
Oh boohoo. My emo side is suddenly coming out. let's all slash our arms because we don't have actually guts to cut our wrists! Yey!
Oh here I go again. My thoughts are all messed up. I can't seem to think straight. Can't I press a button on my brain to reset?
Ah yes, I feel stupid reading the previous entries on this boring, old (well, not that old) blog of mine. Why do I even bother placing it here?! I have a journal, but I never write on it.
What is with me and keyboards! I can't even write a goddamn story on a piece of paper anymore! It's my thumbs that doing all the thinking (since I usually type on my phone).
Ah hell, I think it is best for me to sleep for the night. It's quite late, and my curfew is 10, 45 minutes ago. Haha. Got to sleep an hour later since my father is snoring loudly on his bed! >:)
for now, I'll try to get some shut eye. I'm afraid my eyes will be swollen tomorrow though. Then I'll get teased by the people at home again. Ah fuck. I shouldn't have cried.
Sigh. And you know what's weird? I have absolutely no idea on what I am crying about. Maybe because of these confusing things inside my head, or that if all things go well, in a month or so we'll be leaving for Canada. I'm not quite sure. It's like these things in my head just mixed into one big blob and they're trying to find a way out through my tear ducts.
Sigh. And I'm not allowed to vent these feelings into anything else. I'm not the type to randomly get angry at people. I'm also not the type to actually cry in front of others especially if its my problem (i tend to cry when I see someone crying. don't know why really...) I also don't cry when I'm under pressure, so here. Blogging, and crying silently is what these emotions do to me. Though I blog rarely. And I haven't cried in a while until tonight. And I feel the need to be happy every single day so that no one will ask what's wrong (not that anyone cares).
Oh boohoo. My emo side is suddenly coming out. let's all slash our arms because we don't have actually guts to cut our wrists! Yey!
Oh here I go again. My thoughts are all messed up. I can't seem to think straight. Can't I press a button on my brain to reset?
Ah yes, I feel stupid reading the previous entries on this boring, old (well, not that old) blog of mine. Why do I even bother placing it here?! I have a journal, but I never write on it.
What is with me and keyboards! I can't even write a goddamn story on a piece of paper anymore! It's my thumbs that doing all the thinking (since I usually type on my phone).
Ah hell, I think it is best for me to sleep for the night. It's quite late, and my curfew is 10, 45 minutes ago. Haha. Got to sleep an hour later since my father is snoring loudly on his bed! >:)
for now, I'll try to get some shut eye. I'm afraid my eyes will be swollen tomorrow though. Then I'll get teased by the people at home again. Ah fuck. I shouldn't have cried.
01 September 2010
Oh joy. how fun. *eye roll*
Oh dear. Once again I am dealing with children who are older than me.
I am quite immature for a 15 year old, but mature at the same time. Get it? I'm immature with my friends, yet mature with the people that I'm not that close with. Let's just say I let go with my friends.
I don't really care about looks. Well, my looks to be exact. I don't exactly go with the fashion and do the latest trends and all that whatnot. Frankly, I don't give a damn about those shit.
People don't like me for that (I am quite hated, or disliked, in my class for reasons that I don't even bother to know). I've learned my lesson from a past experience.
How would you like almost have a whole class hate you? :) I have that almost every year. the worst was during my fourth grade when they even had a club. Of course, I was naive and a crybaby back then. I told the teacher as soon as I found out. And they were punished for it. Ah memories... Thinking back, my childhood was pretty lame. Not that I've lived for a long time for me to actually say that. LOL.
But enough of that.
Today, I am once again dealing with the biggest child in my life: my Father.
Don't get me wrong. He provides us well with the daily necessities needed to live in this wretched world. He's not childish about the normal things.
He's just really selfish. like a child. Well, he is a bigot. He's narrow minded. What he thinks, his beliefs and everything, he forces that to others. Ever since he had a promotion in his job and got a better pay and my mother left tot work for Canad, he;s been like this. But when my mother is home, he's like an angel. See? A real child.
To put it in much more simpler terms, he finds every little thing to get mad about and he blows this up to be bigger than it really was.
He's not the only one who's pissing me off right now. The second one is a childhood friend of mine. He's nice and all, but he takes things way to seriously and he takes things way out of proportion.
I have many reasons on why he is pissing me off, but the short version is that he's acting like a child, but doesn't want to admit it. He likes someone, and he's doing everything he can to make that person like him back that he's dragging everyone around him to help him. Everyone knows about this though, I won't be surprised if the apple of his eye doesn't notice that he's practically screaming to everyone his love for her.
Sigh...
Now I am once again being forced to bed, at this very moment. My father has this rule that when he sleeps, everyone must sleep the same time he does. Well, not exactly in those terms... I have to sleep at 10. and I get off from school at 5:15, get home at around 7. He expects me to do my homework and those god damned performance task in 3 hours and I still have to take a bath, eat, and do the other things he's ordering me to do.
I seriously want to reprimand these people for being so idiotic.
I am quite immature for a 15 year old, but mature at the same time. Get it? I'm immature with my friends, yet mature with the people that I'm not that close with. Let's just say I let go with my friends.
I don't really care about looks. Well, my looks to be exact. I don't exactly go with the fashion and do the latest trends and all that whatnot. Frankly, I don't give a damn about those shit.
People don't like me for that (I am quite hated, or disliked, in my class for reasons that I don't even bother to know). I've learned my lesson from a past experience.
How would you like almost have a whole class hate you? :) I have that almost every year. the worst was during my fourth grade when they even had a club. Of course, I was naive and a crybaby back then. I told the teacher as soon as I found out. And they were punished for it. Ah memories... Thinking back, my childhood was pretty lame. Not that I've lived for a long time for me to actually say that. LOL.
But enough of that.
Today, I am once again dealing with the biggest child in my life: my Father.
Don't get me wrong. He provides us well with the daily necessities needed to live in this wretched world. He's not childish about the normal things.
He's just really selfish. like a child. Well, he is a bigot. He's narrow minded. What he thinks, his beliefs and everything, he forces that to others. Ever since he had a promotion in his job and got a better pay and my mother left tot work for Canad, he;s been like this. But when my mother is home, he's like an angel. See? A real child.
To put it in much more simpler terms, he finds every little thing to get mad about and he blows this up to be bigger than it really was.
He's not the only one who's pissing me off right now. The second one is a childhood friend of mine. He's nice and all, but he takes things way to seriously and he takes things way out of proportion.
I have many reasons on why he is pissing me off, but the short version is that he's acting like a child, but doesn't want to admit it. He likes someone, and he's doing everything he can to make that person like him back that he's dragging everyone around him to help him. Everyone knows about this though, I won't be surprised if the apple of his eye doesn't notice that he's practically screaming to everyone his love for her.
Sigh...
Now I am once again being forced to bed, at this very moment. My father has this rule that when he sleeps, everyone must sleep the same time he does. Well, not exactly in those terms... I have to sleep at 10. and I get off from school at 5:15, get home at around 7. He expects me to do my homework and those god damned performance task in 3 hours and I still have to take a bath, eat, and do the other things he's ordering me to do.
I seriously want to reprimand these people for being so idiotic.
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