...

I'm having those dreams again... those annoying stupid dreams that i don't even know why i have them. I just got a mood ring, and whenever i think about it and those dreams it turns from a deep purple to a bright pink. it's annoying...


i'm scared. I don't have anyone to tell this to...

words are said to have power, but sometimes they're just empty.




naiintindihan ko na yung sinabi nung mama dun sa orientation....



i'll just test this out, I won't use my facebook. i won't open it. titingnan ko lang kung anung mangyayari

lonely

sigh. as usual...




again, I look like I have ADD/ADHD

Why can't I ignore the feeling that I've been replaced?

But oh well. Everything will be all right. I'll just have to keep to myself till graduation and save myself from this annoying thing. Emotions could be really annoying. I wanna take them out of me so that I'll be able to think logically without it. I'm just a romantic without romance. I keep to myself. I hate the fact that I'm just sitting here. But it's all I could do.



For now, I'll just have to distract myself in anyway possible, chatting with random people, worrying about school and devoting myself to it, reading, writing, and other whatnot.


I know that my friends will be happy even without me. They tell me that they miss me, but I know. I probably do know that these are just words. I can't do this. I'm not strong.... I wanna see them. I keep telling myself that I can do well on my own but I can't. I can't just ignore this anymore. I think I need a shrink to talk this out, mainly because I have no one to talk to... It's lonely. I'm not able to bottle up these emotions. They're just fighting their way out. I wanna see my friends. Their my stress reliever. If I still had alcohol, I'd probably try to drink myself to sleep, but I don't. I say to Roxanne always that she has to learn how to live without her friends, but I keep on telling it aloud to myself... I cant do this anymore. One month and I'm breaking apart...


I'm desperate for distractions. It helps. And music. loud rock.



I just can't stand being alone with my thoughts. They all come back to me.

Amnesia is better than what I feel right now.
Call me emo, fine. I don't care, but I won't go so low to cut my own wrists. That's just stupid.

Patience... patience...

For the next two years or so, or when I enter a university probably, my mantra would be:

"patience."

For now, I chant this in my mind whenever my mind is free of thought, I'm not preoccupied with anything, and I'm with my family.

Let me get this straight, my family is used to not being complete. Either one or two members are missing. And there's only four of us. Yipee. Life's a party. I'm used to being alone with my brother and my mother (mostly without mother, she's driving me nuts too). My father wasn't even there when I was born since he was in a ship, not that I cared or anything. Fuck that. Good riddance. I'd rather he sent me a person not from the family and send me child support checks every month. This tme has been the longest that we have spent for my entire lifetime.

ONE year.

I actually like his voice over the telephone better. Calls every now and then. Not like now when he's constantly breathing down my neck for every little thing I do. It's annoying. I'm used to being independent for most things. I hate that he's here.

And my mother, nagging all the time. Suppose it's their job. But I lived for four years straight without that and in that peak stages when i was entering my teens where discipline is supposed to be needed. But no, she wasn't there. THANK GOD. or else I would've had a horrible high school life. I was free back then. I miss those times. I used to be so content without earphones constantly glued to my ears, but now I just can't stand their voices so I always wear them.

And my brother, my fucking brother. Who thinks he knows everything about me, but he doesn't. He doesn't know that I probably know little things that our parents don't want to know. He's got 30+ gb of g*y pr0N in his HDD, he smokes, he drinks, he spends his money buying pointless stuff and food; and when I ask money to buy books or something he always tells me to go to the library or save (which I can't because I don't have allowance and that my mother takes every money I have. He kicks me, I still have back problems. The least thing he could do next is either stab me with a knife or chop mt head off. When will he MOVE OUT?!?!?!

But alas, I have no choice but to live in this hell hole until I'm 18. I have no choice. I can never life with my entire family for more than 5 weeks. That's my limit. Anymore of that, and I explode, eat a lot, starve myself, ignore them, get beaten up, or try to distract myself with every little thing possible I could stare at a sky for an hour without concentrating on a single line of thought.

I'm near losing my mind, but not to worry, that is why I have my mantra. My goal in these two years is get a high grade in high school, apply for scholarship, use the money in my savings account to rent an apartment near my school and leave this fucking house. Sometimes I wish I was back in the Philippines. Carefree, idiot, stupid, nothing to think about other than internet, writing, and food.

I love this place, don't misunderstand. It's better than the Philippines. But is there anyway I can transfer a few choice people from there to here (including my house and my dog?) I know it's impossible, but it's nice to dream right?

I am ten days near to stabbing my self with a knife or slashing my wrists to the point where I severed my hand.

Friends

fine. I said it.

I feel calm tonight (2:40 am) so i might as well write (type) this down.

I don't really miss anything from the Philippines. I don't miss the temperature, the judgmental people, and all the crap there... except of course my friends. I don't have 20+ friends like other people though. I only have a few people I hold close to my heart.

Gab, Ja, Kaye, Ricky, Roxanne, Ej, Mavz, Jackie, Keith, and of course (I would never forget you) Hotdog, my dog.
See? I only miss 8 humans and 1 dog. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't regret leaving that country.

Life here is easier, but Canadians only think about work and keeping themselves busy and other crap. In school, they train you to be more responsible unlike in the Philippines where all you have to do is open your mouth and they feed you everything from elementary to high school that some of them are surprised in college because they really push you. I've been here 3 weeks in school and I've never been more independent in my life.

I have no choice really. I'm alone here. I can't rely on anyone like I did back at home. I can't really talk to anyone the way I used to talk to my friends. I can't find people like them here. But that's not really my goal. They're one of a kind. No one could ever replace them.

I can't even find myself laughing like the way I did with them. The people here are intimidating. The filipinos here are butt STUPID and they shy away from me because I'm from a private school worth $2000+ tuition fee. All of them came from public. I try making friends with other races, but they're just not... like them. My friends (the 8 of them, and Hotdog i think) get me. They know my quirks and my likes. They know more about me combined than my own father.

sigh... thinking more about them is making me bitter. Bitter for not having said goodbye properly in person. Sure we had a despedida party for me, but... I just didn't feel it. I wanted us to talk, or at least say somethings. In the end, I wasn't able to even hug each one of them. Just a fucking group hug, but it was nice. I don't like that (compared to one on one). I try acting cheerful, but it's just not working!!

fuck it. I'm crying again.

....

...

It's been a while since I last posted here. Almost four months. In those short 120 days, I have moved to the country (which I think really is a freezer) known as Canada. Which is apparently the second largest country in the world but everything that happens to it is unnoticed by everyone. I thought they were just joking with this, but it actually is a fact. Their local news is strictly local and apparently all everyone ever things about is weed, smoking, and the weather. There's really no culture here, seeing as everyone are from other countries. No wonder it's invisible. U.N. must love this place.

For the past month that I've been here, nearly having an actual frostbite on my fingers, I've been distracting myself with almost anything. The birds, the sky, the freaking freezing wind, the sun that I miss oh so much, my hoodies, chores around the house, and only recently: my school. I still can't see this place as my home. I miss my old bed, my old room, the electric fan stuck on the ceiling, and most importantly: my pillow. I know. stupid. why miss a PILLOW. but i haven't had a good night's rest since I left. If people here have blankies and dollies, I have my pillow.Evrything is just so big and peaceful that I'm scared. I don't know why, but I'm used to DREAMING about peace and just being in a world with chaos and other whatnot.

Of course that's not the only thing I miss. There's still one particular topic that I don't want to type here yet seeing as I can't see the keyboard now. I think I'll leave that for later when the thought of not seeing them again in years would sink in. There's always a lump in my throat whenever I think about them in public. I'm just not ready to move on. I've hidden their photos in a box under my bed and deep in a folder in my hard drive which I rarely access, the blouse they've signed on is still at the very back of my closet. I just can't look at them now, knowing I'll just start crying again.

Until then, the best I could do is swallow the lump in my throat and act like I have ADHD.