"patience."
For now, I chant this in my mind whenever my mind is free of thought, I'm not preoccupied with anything, and I'm with my family.
Let me get this straight, my family is used to not being complete. Either one or two members are missing. And there's only four of us. Yipee. Life's a party. I'm used to being alone with my brother and my mother (mostly without mother, she's driving me nuts too). My father wasn't even there when I was born since he was in a ship, not that I cared or anything. Fuck that. Good riddance. I'd rather he sent me a person not from the family and send me child support checks every month. This tme has been the longest that we have spent for my entire lifetime.
ONE year.
I actually like his voice over the telephone better. Calls every now and then. Not like now when he's constantly breathing down my neck for every little thing I do. It's annoying. I'm used to being independent for most things. I hate that he's here.
And my mother, nagging all the time. Suppose it's their job. But I lived for four years straight without that and in that peak stages when i was entering my teens where discipline is supposed to be needed. But no, she wasn't there. THANK GOD. or else I would've had a horrible high school life. I was free back then. I miss those times. I used to be so content without earphones constantly glued to my ears, but now I just can't stand their voices so I always wear them.
And my brother, my fucking brother. Who thinks he knows everything about me, but he doesn't. He doesn't know that I probably know little things that our parents don't want to know. He's got 30+ gb of g*y pr0N in his HDD, he smokes, he drinks, he spends his money buying pointless stuff and food; and when I ask money to buy books or something he always tells me to go to the library or save (which I can't because I don't have allowance and that my mother takes every money I have. He kicks me, I still have back problems. The least thing he could do next is either stab me with a knife or chop mt head off. When will he MOVE OUT?!?!?!
But alas, I have no choice but to live in this hell hole until I'm 18. I have no choice. I can never life with my entire family for more than 5 weeks. That's my limit. Anymore of that, and I explode, eat a lot, starve myself, ignore them, get beaten up, or try to distract myself with every little thing possible I could stare at a sky for an hour without concentrating on a single line of thought.
I'm near losing my mind, but not to worry, that is why I have my mantra. My goal in these two years is get a high grade in high school, apply for scholarship, use the money in my savings account to rent an apartment near my school and leave this fucking house. Sometimes I wish I was back in the Philippines. Carefree, idiot, stupid, nothing to think about other than internet, writing, and food.
I love this place, don't misunderstand. It's better than the Philippines. But is there anyway I can transfer a few choice people from there to here (including my house and my dog?) I know it's impossible, but it's nice to dream right?
I am ten days near to stabbing my self with a knife or slashing my wrists to the point where I severed my hand.
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